Jared warned me Friday morning before he checked himself into the hospital for his OCD (with paranoia) that this could be traumatic. I asked what he meant by that, thinking that him spending some time in the hospital would be bearable–hard, yes, but not impossible. I knew that I’d miss him, but I thought that I’d be able to handle it, knowing that this is what needed to happen. I can usually stay quite composed under a lot of stress. Instead, my mind and emotions have been tormenting me. I miss Jared terribly, and I’m having an extremely hard time with this. I seem to be so much weaker than I expected.
Jared’s not able to see Fae because children aren’t allowed in his ward. He also can’t always be reached by phone, and visiting hours are only for one and a half hours each weekday evening–a little longer on the weekends. It feels as though there’s a huge wall between me and him, but not one that we’ve put up by ourselves in defense–as the term seems generally used. It’s been placed there, in the blink of an eye, without our effort. And it’s just so distressing. It makes me feel so anxious.
It’s as though my family is broken, but unwillingly. We’ve been torn apart. Jared and I are so deeply in love. Our solid little family is our pride. We often talk of how we’re incredibly grateful for our solid relationship and for our sweet little daughter. My family is my center, but now it’s split in half. I can’t feel whole without having my husband and daughter together with me.
There are so many unanswered questions right now. I have no idea how long he’ll be in the hospital, or how he’ll be when he gets out. I’m hoping and praying that he’ll be alright–I know that he will be. It’s just hard to convince myself of that when my feelings and fears take over. I have my own struggles, especially (apparently) when my husband is not around. My mind wanders. I get horrible thoughts stuck in my head. And I have a hard time keeping myself grounded in reality.
I want him here and feeling better. I just want him. But although this is so difficult, I know that this is a good thing. He’s getting help now, and seems to be healing, which is what’s most important. But I still feel tormented. I hope that I can keep it together, and be strong for him.
Fae is sleeping in our bed, more deeply than usual. It’s been a long weekend.