Wanting my Husband

Jared warned me Friday morning before he checked himself into the hospital for his OCD (with paranoia) that this could be traumatic. I asked what he meant by that, thinking that him spending some time in the hospital would be bearable–hard, yes, but not impossible. I knew that I’d miss him, but I thought that I’d be able to handle it, knowing that this is what needed to happen. I can usually stay quite composed under a lot of stress. Instead, my mind and emotions have been tormenting me. I miss Jared terribly, and I’m having an extremely hard time with this. I seem to be so much weaker than I expected.

Jared’s not able to see Fae because children aren’t allowed in his ward. He also can’t always be reached by phone, and visiting hours are only for one and a half hours each weekday evening–a little longer on the weekends. It feels as though there’s a huge wall between me and him, but not one that we’ve put up by ourselves in defense–as the term seems generally used. It’s been placed there, in the blink of an eye, without our effort. And it’s just so distressing. It makes me feel so anxious.

It’s as though my family is broken, but unwillingly. We’ve been torn apart. Jared and I are so deeply in love. Our solid little family is our pride. We often talk of how we’re incredibly grateful for our solid relationship and for our sweet little daughter. My family is my center, but now it’s split in half. I can’t feel whole without having my husband and daughter together with me.

Jared and Fae

There are so many unanswered questions right now. I have no idea how long he’ll be in the hospital, or how he’ll be when he gets out. I’m hoping and praying that he’ll be alright–I know that he will be. It’s just hard to convince myself of that when my feelings and fears take over. I have my own struggles, especially (apparently) when my husband is not around. My mind wanders. I get horrible thoughts stuck in my head. And I have a hard time keeping myself grounded in reality.

I want him here and feeling better. I just want him. But although this is so difficult, I know that this is a good thing. He’s getting help now, and seems to be healing, which is what’s most important. But I still feel tormented. I hope that I can keep it together, and be strong for him.

Me and Fae

Fae is sleeping in our bed, more deeply than usual. It’s been a long weekend.


8 responses to “Wanting my Husband

  1. Hi, you don’t know me, and I forget how I started following your blog, but this post struck something in me and I wanted to tell you. I have been where you are, and it sucks and it is scary. My husband suffered a traumatic brain injury when he was very little, but back then, there weren’t MRIs or other diagnostic tools. His behavior was strange, but everyone, even his parents, thought he was just a weird kid. His condition deteriorated in his 20s; he became literally sociopathic. He wasn’t diagnosed and treated until we’d been married for over a year, and that was the hardest year of my life. Sometimes he was in the hospital for extended periods for testing (and, because I was working a lot to pay for all of this and to have insurance, I couldn’t go with him). Sometimes he was just really impossible to be with. Sometimes, as the testing dragged on and there were no answers, I wondered if maybe everyone else was right–maybe he was just a sociopath and I was stupid for being in love with him. Our families were not supportive. My mother (a trained guidance counselor!) didn’t believe there was anything wrong with him. His dad just thought (and said) that his brain was fine, it was his relationship with Jesus that needed some work. The path to diagnosis and treatment was a long and lonely one. That was six years ago, and I can definitely say that, although it was hard, it was the right thing to do for ourselves and our family. My husband is now medicated and is almost as functional as anyone else. Our parents ate their respective crow when they saw the MRI with a big scar in the middle of the brain. I’m not afraid of leaving him with our kids.

    One of the hardest things about it for me was the fact that mental illness affects how a person acts, which seems like who he is. It’s easy to understand how a one-legged man might have a hard time with a marathon; it’s nearly impossible to reconcile how a man with a mysterious illness can say that he loves you, but a breath later pulls out the most hurtful ammo he has in his arsenal.

    What I’m trying to say is, I know this is incredibly hard, but you and your husband are doing the right thing for your future and for your daughter. I will be praying for your family. I have walked this road, and it is not an easy one, but it is the right one.

    • Thanks for sharing your story. It must have been so hard to not have been supported by your family while going through all of that. I’m thankful that my family is here for us–if anything I feel like they may be a little shocked that his OCD was actually to a point where he needed help. It’s been a tough year for him, but it wasn’t noticeable. It was a struggle purely in his head (hence the Pure-O OCD), which feels extreme for him, but is hard for other people to understand. I’m thankful that he’s getting some help now, and that soon he’ll be feeling back to himself.

  2. 1) You feeling fragmented and tormented is normal and if you were not it would signify your bond with Jared not being as strong as you speak it is.

    2) Know prayer is your salvation and have certainty he will recover. When trying times happen we tend to think it is just how things are going to be. In reality life is seasonal and it all goes round and around again.

    3) Fear/Doubt/Control – some thoughts

    So much of the fear that we see in life comes from the fact that most of us dont feel like we’re in control, we’re running around trying to control all the events of our lives, and every single one of us is going to experience multiple situations in our life, no matter how skillful we are, where we cannot control the event, where it’s just not something we can control because we didn’t initiate it, any time you’re dealing with other people this is gonna happen, anytime you’re dealing with mother nature this is going to happen. Most of us in life are so afraid something is going to happen that we cant control, and therefore we’re going to get pain, and we try to avoid those things we can’t control. We try to shape our lives, by changing where we spend our time, who we spend our time with, what we spend it doing, in lives where we feel very comfortable. Where we feel like we’re really in control of them, but what that does is limit the shape and quality of our lives. We’ve gotta be willing to put ourselves out there to discover what we’re really capable of when we’re put in environments where we don’t know what to do, we don’t know what things mean, when we’re not sure. It’s in those environments that we grow the most, it’s in that environment we discover more of our true purpose as human beings.

    It’s there that our character is shaped. So many times we have goals, we have dreams, or we have plans and we work our tail off and it doesn’t come out the way we want. A lot of people come out of those situations angry, or dissilussioned, and resentful, they look for somebody to blame. But sometimes I really believe not getting your goal is part of the plan. Causing you to dig inside and find more of yourself. To really begin to use your real capacity as a human being, those traits within you that only expand when they are challeneged, when demands are made upon them. You know I truly believe God is not so much interested in our convenience as he is in our character.

    So how do you live in a world we’re a storm could come and you could lose your home, or someone could die, a catastraphe could hit, so how do you deal with all that?

    The answer is that you have to know the one thing you can control is not events. What you control is what things mean to you. And therein lies the secret to life. Because no matter what happens in your life, the meaning of what has happened is yours. You get to determine it. As long as you remain conscious, and you don’t let the people around you teach you what to think. As long as you don’t just go on automatic pilot and become a stimulus response animal.

    I think the number 1 reason why people fail to experience joy in their life, experience life as a win, it’s not because life isn’t a win. The win can be just reaching out and touching somebody around you, the win can be telling someone you love them, the win can be taking care of your body, the win can be stopping during your day and feeling grateful. You don’t have to land on the moon to have the win, and you can enjoy landing on the moon too. How much better to enjoy the process, because we’re going to spend most of our life in process toward the achievement of goals. I challenge you to realize there is something for you to be here for. for yourself and for others. You can’t just do for others and not do for yourself or you wont be here.

    You have to develop a goal, a reason for existance, even if it is only short-term.

    What is the purpose of the game, even just for right now?
    The purpose is to love, to …..what goes here for your purpose, I will develop my own too to anchor myself.

    You have to know the goal of the game, we’re living in a world with an unlimited number of choices and opportunities, but if you don’t know what your purpose is, and what you value most in life, then everything begins to look like a great opportunity. You’re pulled in every direction, if you don’t know where you’re going you can get there by any route, because you wont know what you want and where you’re going.

    One of the biggest challenges in life is choosing, deciding what to spend your time on, and always having a directive to some goal.

    Thoughts and prayers,


    • We certainly do grow the most when we’re in times of question. And when life takes an unexpected turn we’re forced to find new strength and grow. I’m sure that so much good will come of this, I know it.

      Thanks for mentioning that the one thing that we can control is what things mean to us. It’s something that’s so easily forgotten. But you’re right. That is what’s most important, and I have to remember that. I know it within the depth of my soul, but something so small as not being able to see my husband when I want to can just throw me off.

      I’m also a big fan of not letting others teach you what to think. Questioning everything, absolutely everything, for myself, is something that I value so highly–Jared and I both. That’s how we choose our path.

      I know that this is what’s right, and that so much good will come of this. We’re both going to gain new strengths, and I’m forced to reach down into my soul, and up to God.

      Thanks for such a heartfelt comment, Derek. Your words mean so much to me.

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